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Experts Confirm That Drawing Your Own Timber with a Felt-Tip Marker Is the Most Economically Viable Way to Ignore the Collapse of the Social Contract.
Experts Praise Local Renter for Finding Joy in a Living Situation Historically Classified as a Human Rights Violation.
A Harrowing Look at How Hollywood's Elite Manage to Survive the Winter Months Surrounded by Private Jets, Heated Driveway Systems, and Zero Consequences.
Industry Insiders Are Calling the Courage Required to Hit 'Block' on an Iphone Worth More Than a Small Nation 'an Inspiration to Us All.'
Hollywood’s Bravest Actors and Pop Stars Reveal They Are Just One Ruined Investment Portfolio Away From Joining You in the Breadline.
Ocean Temperatures Reaching Record Highs Have Successfully Turned the Monterey Bay Ecosystem Into a Lukewarm Bath of Existential Dread.
Global Markets Have Achieved Peak Economic Efficiency by Converting the Entire Equity System Into a High-Stakes Game of Nursery Rhyme Matching.
Desperate Consumers Brave Freezing Elements to Secure a Fluorescent Rubber Sphere Filled with Non-Toxic Paste.
Judges Praised This Year's Winning Macro Shots for Capturing Animals in States of Profound Personal Embarrassment.
Aging Stage Actors Confirmed Tuesday That Audiences Are Finally Ready to Appreciate the High-Concept Art of Tripping Over a Bucket.
New York Magazine's Holiday Gift Guide Gently Reminds Parents That a Toddler Playing with a Cardboard Box Is a Failure of Household Branding.
Local Law Enforcement Admitted They Were Completely Outmatched by an Unarmed Ruminant with Zero Tactical Training.
By Refusing to Serve Anyone a Sad Side Salad, Local Host Successfully Ensures That All Thirty Guests Experience Equal, Synchronized Misery.
The Historic Prop Will Now Sit in a Humidity-Controlled Bunker Owned by a Guy Who Laid Off Three Thousand People Via Email Last Tuesday.
Experts Confirm the Annual Holiday Ritual of Trading Capital for Temporary Parental Affection Is Right on Schedule.
Marine Biologists Praised the Innovative Conservation Effort of Dumping Thousands of Tons of Asbestos and Lead Paint Straight Into the Atlantic.
Industry Insiders Confirm That Acknowledging the Empty Void at the Center of Modern Socializing Remains a Major Faux Pas.
