ISSAQUAH, WA—In what corporate leadership is calling a routine holiday flavoring adjustment, Costco announced a nationwide recall of Kirkland Signature canned whipped cream after routine safety checks revealed the product was inadvertently packed with industrial-strength cleaning chemicals. Millions of Americans preparing to subject themselves to dry turkey and passive-aggressive political commentary from their in-laws will now have to find an alternative propellant for their holiday dessert, depriving millions of families of the festive tradition of ingesting heavy-duty degreaser straight from a pressurized aluminum canister.

The contamination, traced back to a facility where manufacturing lines for dairy products and heavy-duty floor strippers apparently share a common wall and a single overworked temp worker, has left QA departments scrambling. According to internal reports, the specific solvent found in the whipped cream is typically reserved for dissolving grease on commercial loading docks, making it an ideal pairing for the equally industrial fat content of a frozen pumpkin pie crust bought at 4:00 PM on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Retail analysts note that replacing vanilla extract with an alkaline solvent that instantly strips enamel off teeth is simply the free market finding new, innovative ways to optimize the consumer experience.

"We deeply regret that some of our members may have accidentally consumed a dairy product free of caustic industrial detergents," said Costco Senior Vice President of Member Delusion Margaret Vance, adjusting her glasses while standing in front of a pallet of bulk paper towels. "For years, our members have demanded a whipped cream that not only crowns a slice of pie but simultaneously clears out stubborn arterial buildup and polishes the kitchen linoleum on the way down. Unfortunately, due to a labeling oversight, we accidentally shipped cans that contained mere nitrous oxide and cream rather than our proprietary blend of industrial-grade surfactants. We are offering a full refund to anyone who returns the unused portion, provided they haven't already used it to remove paint from their garage doors."

Consumer advocates have raised unnecessary concerns regarding the potential health hazards of spraying floor cleaner directly onto a slice of Sara Lee pie, ignoring the well-documented psychological benefits of a Thanksgiving dessert that burns through the esophagus with the surgical precision of a blowtorch. Medical experts point out that a mild chemical burn to the soft palate is a small price to pay for the festive atmosphere of a family dinner where everyone is too busy coughing up lung tissue to ask why you are still single at thirty-eight. Furthermore, epidemiologists note that the industrial solvent likely killed off any salmonella present on the table, proving once again that corporate negligence is the true unsung hero of holiday food safety.

Across the country, shoppers who rushed to return the recalled cans were met with the comforting, dystopian embrace of the return line, a monolithic structure of human suffering that stretches backward into the tire center. Witnesses report scenes of elderly couples arguing over whether a whipped cream that removes tarnish from silverware is truly unsafe for human consumption, or merely advanced. As families across America recalibrate their Thanksgiving menus to exclude pressurized industrial solvents, one thing remains abundantly clear: nothing brings a family together quite like a multi-million-dollar corporate oopsie that forces everyone to reconsider every single purchasing decision they have made since 2014.